Flanders and Swann

England, (active 1956-1967)

The Warthog

  1. The Jungle was giving a party
  2. A post hibernation ball
  3. The Ballroom was crowded with waltzing Gazelles, Gorillas and Zebras and all.
  4. But who is this animal almost in tears
  5. Pretending to powder her nose?
  6. A poor little Warthog who sits by herself
  7. In a pink satin dress with blue bows.
  8. Again she is no-body’s choice and she sings in a sad little voice:
  9.  
  10. No one ever wants to court a Warthog
  11. Though a Warthog does her best
  12. I’ve spent a lot of money for a Warthog
  13. I am kiss-proofed and daintily dressed
  14. I’ve Lusterinsed my hair
  15. I’m perfumed here and there
  16. >My gums were tinted when I brushed my teeth
  17. I’m young and in my prime
  18. But a wallflower all the time
  19. ‘Cos I’m a Warthog
  20. Just a Warthog
  21. I’m a Warthog underneath
  22.  
  23. Take your partners for a ladies Excuse me!
  24.  
  25. Excited and radiant she runs on the floor
  26. To join the furor and fuss.
  27. She taps on each shoulder and says ‘Excuse me!’
  28. and each couple replies ‘Excuse us!’
  29. Then having no manners at all
  30. They sing as they dance round the hall:
  31.  
  32. ‘No one ever wants to court a Warthog
  33. Though a Warthog does her best
  34. Her accessories are dazzling for a Warthog
  35. She is perfumed and daringly dressed
  36. We know her these and those are like Marilyn Monroe’s
  37. Her gown is just a scintillating sheath
  38. But she somehow fails to please
  39. ‘Cos everybody sees she’s a Warthog
  40. Just a Warthog
  41. She’s a Warthog underneath’
  42.  
  43. Head hanging she wanders away from the floor
  44. This Warthog whom nobody loves
  45. Then stops in amazement
  46. For there at the door stands a gentleman Warthog impeccably dressed
  47. In the act of removing his gloves.
  48. His fine chiseled face seems to frown
  49. As he looks her first up then down
  50.  
  51. ‘I fancy you must be a sort of Warthog
  52. Though for a Warthog you look a mess
  53. That makeup’s far to heavy for a Warthog
  54. You could have chosen a more suitable dress
  55. Did you have to dye your hair?
  56. If that’s perfume give me air!
  57. I strongly disapprove of scarlet teeth
  58. But let us take the floor
  59. ‘Cause I’m absolutely sure
  60. That you’re a Warthog
  61. Just a Warthog
  62. The sweetest little,
  63. Neatest little
  64. Dearest and completest little
  65. Warthog… underneath’.

 Michael Flanders and Donald Swann. The complete Flanders and Swann. Recorded in part: May 2nd, 1959, Fortune Theatre, London. Parlophone Records Ltd, a Warner Music Group Company (1961)
.

The Wild Boar

  1. If you hear a loud ‘whoosh’
  2. In the African bush
  3. And an animal comes to the fore,
  4. Who is basically pig
  5. But more hairy and big
  6. You will know you have met with a Boar.
  7.  
  8. You are glued to the spot;
  9. Will he kill you or not?
  10. No need to have fears about that.
  11. Now he’s made you stand fast,
  12. And you’re cornered at last,
  13. All he wants is a nice little chat.
  14.  
  15. But don’t be misled;
  16. Soon you’ll wish you were dead,
  17. That instead he’d been after your gore,
  18. For Oh, Oh what a bore he is, what a thundering thumping bore!
  19.  
  20. In monotonous grunts he will tell you of hunts
  21. Where for days he’d eluded the field,
  22. He will tell you his sow should be farrowing now
  23. And enlarge on her annual yield.
  24. He will say with an air, that for brushing the hair
  25. His bristle’s the elegant thing,
  26. And proudly confide they are after his hide
  27. For no less a man than a King.
  28. Then a joke he will try as you stifle a sigh
  29. And deny that you’ve heard it before,
  30. Thinking Oh, Oh what a bore he is, what a thundering thumping bore!
  31.  
  32. As you laugh at his jokes (Ha ha ha ha ha ha)
  33. ‘I’m a popular bloke’, he will think.
  34. When you’re ready to burst,
  35. Then ‘Hello there!’ he’ll cry
  36. To each poor passer-by
  37. The ones that have not seen him first.
  38. For on sight of the beast they will run to the east,
  39. And the north and the west and the south,
  40. And long for the day when his head’s on a tray,
  41. With an lemon to stop up his mouth.
  42. They south as they run;
  43. ‘He’s an excellent son,
  44. An a wonderful fellow, We’re sure!’
  45. But Oh, Oh what a bore he is, what a thundering thumping,
  46. Down-in-the-dump-ing
  47. (Grunt grunt grunt grunt)
  48. Thumping bore!

 Michael Flanders and Donald Swann. The complete Flanders and Swann. Recorded in part: May 2nd, 1959, Fortune Theatre, London. Parlophone Records Ltd, a Warner Music Group Company (1961)
.

About the Poet:

Flanders and Swann, England, (active 1956-1967) were a British comedy duo. Lyricist, actor and singer Michael Flanders (1922-1975) and composer and pianist Donald Swann (1923-1994) collaborated in writing and performing comic songs. They first worked together in a school revue in 1939 and eventually wrote more than 100 comic songs together.

Between 1956 and 1967, Flanders and Swann performed their songs, interspersed with comic monologues, in their long-running two-man revues At the Drop of a Hat and At the Drop of Another Hat, which they toured in Britain and abroad. Both revues were recorded in concert, and the duo also made several studio recordings. [from Wikipedia] [DES-09/19]

Additional information: