Newman, Bob

England, (contemporary)

Hogfellow the Poetic Pig
a Villanelle

  1. The master of the macaronic verse
  2. Is Hogfellow, the best-known bard today.
  3. He’s not the greatest, but we’ve all heard worse.
  4.  
  5. No, not the greatest; nearer the reverse:
  6. He writes such twaddle – but, boy does it pay
  7. The master of the macaronic verse!
  8.  
  9. He has a strange view of the universe;
  10. Restraint and logic take a holiday.
  11. He’s not the greatest, but we’ve all heard worse.
  12.  
  13. His most portentous stuff he’ll intersperse
  14. With silly bits of Igpay Atinlay,
  15. The master of the macaronic verse.
  16.  
  17. He’ll make a sow’s ear from a silken purse –
  18. See ‘Hamlet told in Forty Limericks‘, say.
  19. He’s not the greatest, but we’ve all heard worse.
  20.  
  21. If truth be told, I’m really not averse
  22. To Hogfellow’s outpourings; he’s OK,
  23. The master of the macaronic verse.
  24. He’s not the greatest, but we’ve all heard worse.

© Bob Newman. Old Possum’s Book of Practical Pigs. [illustrated by Elizabeth Kay] CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform; 1st edition (2014).

Philosophy For Pigs

  1. I’m pink,
  2. I stink,
  3. I think.
  4. I oink… therefore I am.
  5.  
  6. On our tod
  7. We plod,
  8. Ill-shod.
  9. No ‘God’ – that’s all flim flam.
  10.  
  11. Turtle dove?
  12. No, guv.
  13. Heavens above!
  14. What’s ‘love’? A tetragram.
  15.  
  16. Free swill?
  17. No bill?
  18. That’s brill!
  19. Free will? No, that’s a sham.
  20.  
  21. Soon gone
  22. Our one
  23. Season.
  24. Cling on, like a bloody clam.
  25.  
  26. Don’t shun
  27. The sun
  28. Have fun!
  29. Long run, we’ll all be ham.

© Bob Newman. Philosophy Now. Law, Tolerance and Society. Volume 79, June/July 2010.

Da Porci, the Renaissance Pig
(excerpt from a Pantoum)

  1. Da Porci, Sage of Padua, I sing
  2. (Come, Muse, this form is hard, give me a hand!)
  3. The one who is the best at everything,
  4. A polymath, the greatest in his land.
  5.  
  6. (Come, Muse, this form is hard, give me a hand –
  7. I’ve never tried to write pantoums before.)
  8. A polymath, the greatest in his land;
  9. Da Porci is the most tremendous boar.
  10.  
  11. I’ve never tried to write pantoums before,
  12. I know a pig who surely will have done.
  13. Da Porci is the most tremendous boar,
  14. And his will be the greatest ‘neath the sun.
  15.  
  16. I know a pig who surely will have done
  17. Whatever arty feat you care to name
  18. And his will be the greatest ‘neath the sun,
  19. All others are eclipsed and put to shame.
  20.  
  21. Whatever arty feat you care to name,
  22. In sculpture, music, painting, poetry,
  23. All others are eclipsed and put to shame;
  24. Da Porci’s are the works to hear and see.
  25.  
  26. In sculpture, music, painting, poetry,
  27. In mathematics, ballet, football, chess,
  28. Da Porci’s are the works to hear and see;
  29. He’s mastered all of culture, more or less.
  30.  
  31. In mathematics, ballet, football, chess,
  32. He’s probably the greatest of all time.
  33. He’s mastered all of culture, more or less –
  34. For a pig to be so gifted is a crime.
  35.  
  36. He’s probably the greatest of all time,
  37. An all-round genius without parallel.
  38. For a pig to be so gifted is a crime.
  39. The smellicopter’s his design as well!

© Old Wossname’s Book of Assorted Swine. Vole Central. www.volecentral.co.uk/.

Hogwash the Token Artist
(a Sestina)

  1. The moment when he lifts the Porker prize
  2. Would be the highlight of an artist’s life.
  3. Saul Hogwash comes so close to it each year
  4. And misses it, by just a coat of paint.
  5. Though there’s no doubt of this pig’s massive talent,
  6. He will use watercolour for his art.
  7.  
  8. The short list features many kinds of art.
  9. There’s Tania Mulch, who won last year’s prize,
  10. A cowpat-sculpting sow whose major talent
  11. Is publicising scandals in her life,
  12. So that the portrait that the tabloids paint
  13. Of her becomes more scarlet every year.
  14.  
  15. But Tania’s not the favourite this year.
  16. That’s Brendon Slopp, who’s reinvented art.
  17. Surprisingly, he makes much use of paint.
  18. The work that’s tipped to win this boar the prize?
  19. A pile of paint tins, called Still Unborn Life
  20. – The title simply oozes Porker talent.
  21.  
  22. To rival that, there’s Tom Treslurry’s talent,
  23. The finest Cornwall’s seen for many a year.
  24. His tapes are magic. Yes, he’s spent his life
  25. Recording from the radio – what art!
  26. Now spliced, played in reverse, they’re “Worth a prize”,
  27. “Superb!” say some. “At least… it isn’t paint.”
  28.  
  29. This prejudice some have against “mere paint”
  30. Cannot constrain a pig who has real talent.
  31. And Troughly’s paintings may well win the prize.
  32. He’s pushing back the boundaries; this year
  33. He’s pissing on each finished work of art.
  34. (A metaphor, he says, for real life).
  35.  
  36. Cy Gadarene’s exhibit’s called My Life –
  37. He stands inside a frame, more real than paint.
  38. The artist has become the work of art!
  39. Poor Hogwash is convinced he has more talent
  40. Than all the others shortlisted this year.
  41. On tenderloins he waits; dreams of that prize.
  42.  
  43. Can Hogwash win the prize that rules his life
  44. Perhaps this year? No! He can only paint,
  45. So he’s no talent for the world of Art.

© Bob Newman. Old Possum’s Book of Practical Pigs. [illustrated by Elizabeth Kay] CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform; 1st edition (2014).

About the Poet:

Bob Newman, England, (contemporary) is a poet, computer programmer, educator and software consultant who thinks he may be a vole. Newman led a blameless life writing computer programs until 1995, when he first tried his hand at writing short stories and poems.

Newman now writes poetry for fun. He often writes in traditional verse forms, such as the sonnet, villanelle and sestina, but takes particular delight in using obscure and neglected forms, such as the zejel (Spanish), the abhanga (Marathi) and the puslogh vagh (Klingon).

Newman has three books of poetry available in Kindle and/or soft cover editions. Due to public demand, his novels and short stories remain unpublished. [DES-11/21]

Additional information:

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.