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THE EXPOSITOR.
This grave old gentleman, had you and he been residents in Spain, would have summoned you before the Inquisition. Your efforts in demonstrating to the world, that the most stupid and stubborn of all animals, by patience and perseverance, might be made the most learned and docile, would no doubt have cost you your life.
As I very well know your liberality in defining all such matters to me as may tend either to my instruction or amusement, a sketch of the method by which this animal could be taught to perform such wonders will very much edify and oblige
Your sincere friend,
A. B.
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THE EXPOSITOR.
LETTER II.
[In answer.]
W. F. P. to A. B.
Sir,
It gives me inexpressible pleasure to hear that you have so speedily returned to the enjoyment of your usual state of health. You request information relative to the teaching of animals. As I have ever considered it an incumbent duty to withhold nothing from my friend, that may tend to his information, the resolving of your question becomes an additional pleasure. Those who style themselves friends, should regard nothing as an exclusive privilege, that might tend either to the instruction or happiness of each other. But alas ! how universally is the sacred appellation of Friend prostituted ! Amongst mankind they currently palm the term upon each other. I have known those who style themselves friends, and have been well experienced in the art of shaking hands, whose souls never knew the social tie, or felt the soft effusions
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THE EXPOSITOR.
of a benevolent heart ; on the contrary, I should as soon expect to see an automaton shed tears from the violent emotion of an adamantine heart, at the fatal destruction of his fellow automaton, as to see such men, willingly, and from no motive whatever but absolute humanity, part with a single five dollar bill, to relieve the distresses of a man, whom just before they styled friend, and from whom perhaps they had received unbounded favours. However, leaving this digression, I hasten to comply with your request. And, as it respects the Pig of Knowledge, you shall be fully acquainted with the mystery, which I shall exhibit in Lessons.
Lesson 1.
Take a Pig, seven or eight weeks old, let him have free access to the inferior part of your house, until he shall become in some measure domesticated. When familiar, you may enter upon his instruction. Take him to an apartment for the purpose of teaching, sequestered from any interruption, and three
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THE EXPOSITOR.
times a day instruct him as follows : Put a card into his mouth, and hold it shut, giving him to understand he is not to drop it until you please to take it from him. At first, he will throw it from his mouth every moment, which you must immediately pick up and replace, reprimanding him in a loud tone of voice. In a short time, he will understand when you are displeased, and consequently will hold the same patiently. You must give him a small piece of white bread, or a piece of an apple, &c. whatever he is most fond of. Be very observing not to suffer any person to feed him but yourself. Swill is a food the most natural and healthy you can give him. You need not starve the Pig, as has been represented by a number of persons ; for that would make him so eager to obtain the morsel you give him by way of encouragement, that in his natural cravings for food, he would not be willing to hold the card a moment ; neither must you violently beat him, as that would confound his instinct, and make him
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THE EXPOSITOR.
afraid to perform that, which otherwise he would do with ease, and without fear. Having learnt him to stand still, and hold the card, he is master of the first Lesson.
A gentleman has just called on me in great haste for a pair of looking-glasses, which I have promised to deliver in a time which will demand every attention. In my next I will relate the second Lesson necessary for his instruction. And while I clap my hand to my heart, I feel no inconvenience in styling myself
Your sincere friend,
And very humble servant,
W. F. P.
LETTER III.
From A. B. to W. F. P.
Sir,
While I express my sincere thanks at your manifesting the pleasure you receive on my restoration to health, I congratulate you
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THE EXPOSITOR.
in the enjoyment of that inestimable blessing, which I hope no event in the womb of fate will be suffered to impair.
Soon as I read your friendly letter, I felt very zealous to become a school-master ; and, anxious to convince my acquaintances of the faculty I possessed, I have undertaken to teach a Pig. Immediately upon the receipt of your’s, I purchased a nice little Shoat : I have taught him to hold a card, and believe he will prove a very apt scholar, though a very noisy one : He squeals and makes such a terrible outcry, that strangers passing by suppose I am severely chastising him ; when all I did, was holding him, and insisting on his taking the card.
I am anxious for information how to proceed ; and although the task be arduous, I flatter myself I shall be able to prove to the world that all the witchcraft necessary is a regular method of which you was the project or, supported by patience and perseverance.
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THE EXPOSITOR.
I need not importune other necessary directions by return of post ; for as the pupil must fail without the instruction of the preceptor, so must I without your assistance ; who style myself, without blushing,
Your sincere friend,
A. B.
LETTER IV.
[In answer.]
W. F. P. to A. B.
Sir,
Upon the perusal of your letter, forgive me, for I was obliged to smile at your late novel undertaking, and the earnest desire you seem to express for its success : I say, smile ; but, my friend, not that smile of envy and contempt, which, while it expands the muscles of the face, contracts the heart with self-conceit and malice ; such grimaces I abhor ; they are the smiles of ignorance, and want almost invariably the capacity they ridicule.
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THE EXPOSITOR.
But rather than fill up my letter in answer to what your observation has remarked and your good sense despised, I proceed to the second Lesson, relative to the instruction of your four-footed scholar.
Lesson 2.
If you have taught him to hold the card, as described in my last, you may lay it on the floor, with one corner bent upwards ; then forcing his head down to the card, put it in his mouth, and hold it up with the card, not suffering him to drop it ; and so repeatedly. Do not forget to encourage him for his good performances ; and when he will pick the card off the floor without your assistance he is master of the second Lesson. I should have told you at this time to accustom him to your snuffing the nose, for purposes that will appear as he progresses in his learning.
Lesson 3.
You must now lay down three cards. He will naturally try to take the one the most convenient for him ; and your business is to
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THE EXPOSITOR.
check him, not snuffing your nose ; and, taking it from him in an angry tone of voice, replace the same, and force him to take the one next to him, or the third, snuffing your nose. By persevering in this manner a few days, he will soon understand he must not take hold, until you give him the signal, which is breathing from your nose. When you have learnt him this, you may continue increasing the cards ; and that animal, who in his rude state appears the most stupid, with the least share of tractability amongst all other quadrupeds, will be found sapient, docile, and gentle.
I am, with usual respect, and unfeigned sincerity of heart,
Your well-wisher,
And very humble servant,
W. F. P.
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THE EXPOSITOR.
LETTER V.
From A. B. to W. F.
Sir,
Your‘s came safe to hand. Early the next morning I proceeded to give the second Lesson, which I found him very unwilling to perform ; and I confess, that had not the information come from a man, in whose veracity I could confide, and whose patience and practice had been the means of perfecting six, I should have given up the business, concluding this was not the method, and that there was another more practicable. From such suspicions the brightest geniuses fail in many of their most valuable undertakings ; and thus from want of patience and perseverance fail of the termination of a design, whose accomplishment might insure themselves profit and respect, and prove a benefit to the community at large. However, I persevered ; and it is with satisfaction I inform
