Woodsum, Douglas “Woody”

United States, (contemporary)

FIRST PIG

  1. You ever tried to get a pig in a truck?
  2. I did last winter in the snow and frozen mud.
  3. I made a ramp from scrap-wood
  4. and leaned it against the back of the Chevy.
  5. I remembered someone telling me,
  6. “It takes two very strong but not very smart
  7. men to get a pig in a truck.”
  8. So I called my buddy, Lenny Dragon.
  9. We scrummed around with that pig
  10. for about a half-hour before we quit.
  11. Lenny said, “I got my rifle in my truck;
  12. a dead pig’s an easy-to-move pig,
  13. and the damn thing’s going straight to the slaughterhouse.”
  14. That sounded good to me; I was ready
  15. to go at it with a baseball bat myself.
  16. But that was my first pig; I wanted to do it right.
  17. Everyone I knew delivered their pigs live.
  18.  
  19. When I got my pig, all I wanted was pork.
  20. Seven months later, when I called Lenny
  21. for help getting the pig to slaughter,
  22. all I was thinking about was ham steak,
  23. chops, and sausage; jury-rig a ramp,
  24. apply a little muscle to the pig
  25. and away we go. I didn’t know
  26. how hard it is to get a pig in a truck.
  27. Pigs are so low to the ground, they don’t budge.
  28. Till they start fightin’ and put it in four wheel drive.
  29.  
  30. In a small town, word gets around.
  31. Long after I got that pig in the truck,
  32. I couldn’t go anywhere without a barb
  33. or two of pig lore. The next time I make a fool
  34. of myself, I pray to God it won’t be in winter.
  35. Farmers got too much free time then,
  36. too much sitting in greasy spoons
  37. or around woodstoves talking about whose ass
  38. is muddy and whose boot’s full of snow.
  39. Since that day with the pig, I’ve heard it all,
  40. why it’s so hard to get a pig in a truck:
  41. “Pigs don’t like change,” or “Pigs can smell death.”
  42. One friend pointed to this almanac passage:
  43.  
  44. “When preparing to slaughter your pig,
  45. keep in mind that pigs seem to know
  46. what is about to happen to them.”
  47. If I’d’ve known, I might’ve raised chickens.
  48.  
  49. What finally happened was Lenny was cold,
  50. wet, and threatening to leave. I said, “Hold on;
  51. I got an idea.” I called the oldest farmer I knew.
  52. He was decent, allowed as how he’d had a few pig scrapes
  53. in his day. He said, “Put a five gallon bucket
  54. on that pig’s head. Lift up one rear leg,
  55. and use it like a tiller. Steer that pig backwards
  56. with that raised leg. Drag and push the bast’d
  57. right up your ramp. Don’t stop once you start.”
  58.  
  59. The old man was right. Once we got the bucket
  60. on the pig’s head and one rear leg in the air,
  61. it was easy as pissin’ in a boot.
  62. The farmer got a slab of bacon
  63. for his advice. Yup, he made it easy
  64. but for one part: You ever tried
  65. to put a five gallon bucket on a pig’s head?

© Douglas “Woody” Woodsum. Rattle  #27, Tribute to Slam Poetry. Summer 2007, http://www.rattle.com/.

Fourteener 279
(Please help me get this pig, dear Lord, into my truck)

  1. Please help me get this pig, dear Lord, into my truck.
  2. Like Jesus, he senses the coming end; unlike Him,
  3. The pig’s exhausted us both with flailing. My hands bleed
  4. From the scrap-wood ramp and sides of the truck bed.
  5. The rope leash burns my flesh. My plan, God, was food
  6. For family and fold, the head and feet for the poor. But Satan,
  7. It seems, is breathing hot stink at me. The pig braces,
  8. Digs four hooves in, and stares. I’d gotten him half wayup,
  9. Tied him, then put my shoulder to him. He kicked my tooth
  10. Loose, Lord. My eyes watered. Blasphemy had its way
  11. With me. Now, covered with muck, almost broken, I pray:
  12. Help those who suffer most first. I’ll wait, catch my breath.
  13. Then, please forgive me, and grant one small miracle
  14. Father: Get this pig in my truck to take to slaughter.

© Douglas “Woody” Woodsum. The Massachusetts Review, Volume 46, Number 4. Winter 2005-2006. https://www.massreview.org/

About the Poet:

Douglas “Woody” Woodsum, United States, (contemporary), is a poet, cartoonist and educator. His poetry, prose, and cartoons have appeared in dozens of magazines, newspapers and anthologies. His work has been broadcast on Maine Public Radio.

Since 1995 he has been teaching high school English in rural Maine. With his students, he has published twelve annual anthologies of oral history, folklore, and creative writing. Raised on the Maine coast, he now makes his home in Smithfield, Maine with his wife, the artist Donna Asmussen. [DES-11/21]

Additional information:

  • Douglas “Woody” Woodsum at From the Fishouse

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